Tame Your Little Red Love Machine
by JannP
Summary: "As strange as it may seem I care about your future, Noah. I know there's no chance you'll just keep it in your pants so…so I've done some extensive research for you.  I'm pleased to inform you that these are the best brands." Finchel/Puckleberry oneshot


**A/N: **Yeah, so the only explanation I have here is that I'm totally a messed up person. Enjoy. Thanks to **Laura (tjcrowfoot)** for the beta and the title advice. That comes from **Little Red Corvette **by **Prince**. I know he wasn't talking about a penis in the song, but. Well, just go with it. Haha. Thanks **Wendi (holygoof101)** for teaching me how to make the item made. Useless knowledge is...power? And last but not least, thanks to **Lizzie (Paceismyhero)** for the hilarious Puck name calling. **Thanks for reading, replying (not even a hint, just please do it okay?), and hopefully enjoying.**

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><p>It's this silly and wonderful thing they do…after. She really loves it and she thinks he secretly does too even if it's talking. He's not really about talking; he seems to be more about action. That's true now more than ever.<p>

So here they are, doing it. Not _that_. But what they do after because they just did _that_. It's one of those rare nights where they don't have to hurry and get dressed to get her home or at the very least to avoid getting caught.

"…but then I didn't really know what to do. Like you just walked off and I realized I was really, really nervous. Seems stupid now."

She turns her head and focuses back on his mouth. His voice is all low and soft and they're pressed up against each other in his bed with the covers resting over his shoulder and under her chin. She has to actually look up to see his mouth and she wants to kiss him again but maybe she should wait a moment longer. She only heard part of what she said.

"Why?" She asks easily, trying to cover for the fact that she only had one ear on the conversation. She normally loves listening to him and she rarely lets anything distract her. She isn't sure why she's feeling so flighty today. Maybe it's because her heart is still pounding and she's still a little sweaty and then there's that kind of leftover pulsing that makes her want to hook her leg over his hip and go for it again and… he distracted her from what he's saying. It's completely his fault.

"Well I mean…I should've known figuring this stuff out on our own would be way more fun and honestly…it's not like I ever get much out of talking to Puck."

"Wait," she says, putting a finger on his mouth to stop him. He kisses her fingertip and his lips are soft and a little wet and red from kissing her hard and he is seriously distracting her again. "You talked to Noah about us being together?"

"Well, not exactly," he says, his voice full of debate. He isn't uncertain necessarily, but it's the face he wears as he's trying to figure out how to explain himself, and she can wait while he decides what to say. They're not in a hurry.

She also understands part of his debate is that locker-room conversations make her nervous. He doesn't want to make her mad while they're supposed to be just enjoying coming down together. She's running her hand over the muscles on his chest until he wraps her fingers up in his to stop her. And truly, she can feel his erection stirring a little against her thigh. So she thinks maybe he finds her distracting too.

"I just asked him what kind of condoms to try," he finally says. He moves his head a little on the pillow so he can see her better and, in the shift, he holds her a little closer to him.

"And…"

"And nothing. He doesn't use them, I guess." His hand slides over his back. "Which explains a lot." He offers a small laugh and he feels so good tucked against her that she laughs, too. "And then it was awkward 'cause he was all 'good for you guys' about it. Oh, and he thought I was going to cheat on you and he thought he was going to…do it with you first."

She slides her head back on the pillow a little bit as his normal but kind of unfortunate confessional word vomit kicks in. It's yet another pattern of their post-sex haze when they talk and laugh and just brush up against one another before reality and parents and brothers come crashing back into the scenario; at some point, he starts talking and it's like he can't turn his words off. It's hilarious and adorable. But in this case, it's also awkward and she's not sure she understands. "What?"

He rolls his eyes and they still laying close enough she can feel him tense up a little in frustration that he's not explaining himself right. "Well, when I first walked up to him and asked what kind of condoms are…best…he thought I was gonna cheat on you. And so I told him that they were _for_ me and you. Then he said like he always thought it would be him but hoped it would be me for you. And then I kinda forgot to even be mad when he said he doesn't use condoms 'cause…"

"That's very risky," she finishes for him. "The rest of it," she just shrugs, then slips her hand over the back of his neck and uses it to get leverage and drag herself forward. This time she _does_ hook her leg over his hip. "The rest of it is just weird and there was never really any question for me about who I wanted to be with. And now there's _really _no question, so…"

"Oh, so you want me to get another condom is what you're saying?"

She can feel him smiling against her lips and she lets her tongue tap on his bottom lip as she smiles, too. "That's _all_ I'm saying."

* * *

><p>The break after graduation, the one in between early dinner with parents and the party they're expected to attend, is not nearly long enough for this. She has been distracted in general for months now and there's really nothing she hates worse than when she feels ill-prepared for something.<p>

There's a soft tap at the door and she _knows_ that tap and she knows Finn is here to get her. Her dads probably said they had no idea if she was ready to leave or not and just sent him up. The days are long since over when he was expected to nervously wait with one of them in the foyer while she finished preparing for a night out. Her dads, she thinks, have grown rather bored with the ritual. Half the time, Finn comes up the stairs. The other half of the time, she loses him to her dad for nearly twenty extra minutes while they discuss or watch whatever sport is currently airing regularly. Her dads adore him, they love her, and they trust _them_. They trusted them before she had approximately five-hundred condoms spread out on her bed, too.

"Hey… are you rea—what are you doing?" He asks, his normal question cut off with total confusion.

She sighs and looks up at him briefly before returning her eyes back toward the bed, leaning forward to select one of the wrappers, an acid-green one that if she remembers correctly is actually flavored which somehow seems wrong, and turns to place it in the small basket on her nightstand.

"Putting together Noah's graduation gift," she answers and she sees a red wrapper that was, if she remembers correctly, a favorite and has only one left in the selection with good reason.

Finn's eyebrows go up like he doesn't know what to say for a minute. "Okay, um…do you want help?"

"Sure," she says, trying to force something into her voice that makes any of this just a little less awkward. "He's going to…he's going to make fun of me."

Finn shrugs. "Honestly, he's probably going to do that whether you give him this or not, right?" He reaches out and picks up a dark blue wrapper. She remembers that. He hands her two and she doesn't miss that he pockets a third of that kind. They have discussed sex without condoms, given his really limited history and her other form of birth control, but they haven't really jumped on board yet. The ones in the dark blue wrapper are the closest they can come to no condom if her research is accurate. They kind of love the ones in the dark blue wrappers and she can't think of a single other person in the world she would want to share that information with.

"Probably," she concedes. He hands her a few more—a couple of weird ones that are the last of some they didn't like that much—and then looks at her.

"How many more do you need?" He looks over her bed out of the corner of his eye. "And why do you have this _many_ to begin with?"

"Technically I had _more_ than this to begin with," she admits as she bends to scoop up everything that's still on her bed. She's determined they have enough for Noah's gift with the several dozen condoms on her nightstand. "I just wanted to make sure we had our bases covered. Didn't…didn't you?"

"Well, sure, but I just kinda bought one box at a time. Not, like, the entire store or maybe tri-county area," he says. He's gotten what she's doing and started helping her. They just put the whole mess in her nightstand drawer; she'll sort it out later. After she grabs the last handful, he notices the other supplies sitting on the end of her bed. "And what's this?"

"The other part," she says. She takes the basket they've been tossing them into from her nightstand and then brushes past him to sit on the end of her bed. "Don't look at me like that, it'll go quickly if you help me."

"Yeah, but before I say I'll help, tell me what you're doing."

"Making condom flowers," she upends the basket of condoms, then picks up one of the things from her bed. It's a pipe cleaner, looped around a paper clip on one end. "What you do is—"

"—Babe, seriously? I mean… are you _serious_?" He stammers. She isn't ignoring the fact that, even as he complains and his voice is almost squeaky about it, he's already got a pipe cleaner in his hand and he's looking through the pile of wrappers for matching colors. "Fine. What do you do? And please don't tell anyone I'm helping you because I'd like to not get my ass kicked by Puck once he's drunk tonight."

She laughs and takes a break from the tutorial (she practiced. She might put it on YouTube later) to kiss his cheek. "You're so good to me." He just rolls his eyes and plays along as she puts four or five color-coordinated wrappers in each paperclip that is secured to the end of each green pipe cleaner, then spreads them into a flower shape before dropping it into the basket and moving to the next one.

In all fairness, she slips a few of the unflowered condoms into her purse to hopefully join the one in his pocket later; just to say thanks for his help.

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><p>She kind of likes the feeling of walking with the basket on her arm. It's provincial and hard to explain, but it feels almost like she's in a play and she's carrying a prop of some kind; maybe she's walking around in Beauty and the Beast but it doesn't really seem fair to call Finn a beast. He's really the furthest thing from it and she's still a little surprised that he helped her because they both know Noah isn't necessarily going to take this <em>well<em>. She can only hope he will understand its importance in time. She just wants her friend to take better care of himself, that's all.

He's involved in a pool game in Santana's basement, but he's not actually playing when she finds him and approaches.

"Hey," he says, turning when he hears her voice offering a greeting to someone else. "Where's Quick Draw?" He leans over and looks into the basket she's carrying. He obviously doesn't see the card on top with his name on it as he raises his eyebrows. "Looks like you came plenty prepared to handle _that_ problem. Just remember double-baggin' don't actually do shit for it. "

"_Actually_," she redirects because they have been down this conversational road before and it's old. Finn doesn't have a performance problem, but Noah seems to have a way of twisting her words no matter what she says in Finn's defense. "This is for you. Happy Graduation." She hands the basket over and he looked at her in confusion. She's pretty sure he only takes it out of some sort of habit. Like she's handing something over so he's going to take it whether he wants to or not. She's glad he finally understands how being friends with her works.

"What the actual fuck?" He asks, finally reaching his free hand into it and pulling out the card. "Are you for real?"

"Yes, I'm _for real_," she says. For lack of anything else to do with her arms, she folds them against her chest and doesn't totally miss the way his eyes follow down and then bounce back up to her face. "I was deeply disturbed to find out something rather personal about you that I hadn't previously known," she says. She digs her hand into his arm and pulls him away from the group. "You are a…a manwhore and you never use a condom?"

"Where are you getting your intel, Berry? Never thought you were so interested in my sex life."

She lets out an annoyed huff. "Yes, well…" she started, but then realized she had promised Finn she wouldn't reveal his involvement. Damn. "Well I'm not particularly interested, per se. I'm more interested in your continued well-being and you're going to catch some disease or something if you don't start practicing proper birth control."

"I have methods."

"I highly doubt you _pull out_ in a timely fashion, Noah."

"I can control my shit, unlike Finn. I know when it's coming."

"Finn doesn't have a child," she hisses back. "And before you say anything else, it's not because he doesn't finish or because he doesn't know what he's doing. It's because we've been smart—smarter than you." She shrugs and puts her hand on his with a small smile. "Look, all I'm trying to do here is be a good friend because…well, as strange as it may seem I care about your future, Noah. I know there's no chance you'll just keep it in your pants so…so I've done some extensive research for you. I'm pleased to inform you that these," she pats the basket, "Are the best brands. Okay?" He's still staring at her mostly in shock and she uses the opportunity to go up on her toes and kiss his cheek. She's going to make her getaway before he catches up and says something brutal.

As usual, she and Finn seem to be sharing thoughts because that's when he comes bounding down the stairs. "Hey, there you guys are," he says, his happiness tapering off when he realizes what's going on.

"Here we are," Rachel agrees, stepping back.

Puck's eyes shift to Finn, still a little shell shocked. "Do you have to tell her, like, _everything_ man?"

Finn looks at Rachel with a little grin and then back to Puck. "Kinda. She has Jedi mind tricks you don't even want to know about."

"You guys are fucking gross," Puck says, maneuvering around Finn. "And that's coming from _me_."

Finn just laughs as Puck heads back over to his pool game, which has continued without him anyway. "Yeah, that hurts. Coming from the dude carrying a basket full of flowers," he calls after his friend. For once, Rachel ignores it when Puck flips Finn off over-the-shoulder.

"Do you think it'll make any difference at all?" Rachel wonders aloud as they watch him go. "I'm not convinced he'll use them."

They aren't standing too far away, and it's almost automatic at a girl from West Lima (Finn only knows that 'cause she used to date a basketball player there. Her name was…Jes..Joss…Jenica?) approaches Puck and appears to be asking if she can look at his basket.

"Oh, I think he'll probably use all of them. He might try to do it tonight."

"Well, I suppose that's an… admirable… goal, I guess," Rachel hesitates. She holds up her purse a little so it catches his eye. "Think we can beat him?"

Finn's eyes get wide. "Are condoms my graduation present, too?"

Rachel's smile is wide, but she doesn't commit one way or the other with actual words. She's more about the action these days, too.

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><p>It's not until their ten-year high school reunion (which Brittany hoodwinked them all into attending; she really <em>was<em> the best person to be senior class president because she was surprisingly good at planning this event) that Noah gets anything resembling payback.

True, there are rings on Finn and Rachel's fingers and Rachel is (barely) visibly pregnant with their first child. Puck is 'wasting a decent chick on a cheesy event' by bringing the girl he's been living with in Nashville for two years; things are a lot different.

That doesn't mean there isn't a basket full of opened condom wrappers sitting on the table with Rachel's place card. She's looking at the vaguely familiar basket in confusion until she flips over the placard stating "Rachel Berry Hudson" just above the Marriott logo.

_Turns out you were right about these things. Looks like maybe you should've taken your own damn advise at least one more time._

None of them are entirely shocked when her reply is to do the following (in order of appearance): show Finn, laugh, and then flip Noah off across the table when he sarcastically salutes her.


End file.
